As They Grow

May 10, 2016

A couple of months ago I had a bit of a crisis of faith as a mum. I’m not sure what happened to be honest, I think maybe it was a mixture of bad weather making me feel a bit uninspired and our never-changing days that got the better of me. I felt like I was becoming lazy in the day, not doing as much with the boys as I used to and not feeling any motivation to get up and change that. I could never say that it has been the easiest thing in the world to stay at home with the boys but it was always something that made me happy and somewhere along the way I had lost that. Even the thought of another 18 months before the twins started nursery was making me feel a little anxious. For the first time ever I started to wonder if I could really do this for another year and a half. Every day was the same; the same walk to school, same routine with the twins at home, same playgroups. I found the days harder than I ever had.

I had never felt like this before, I never doubted being a stay at home mum and always felt like it was the right thing for me. I felt guilty and unsure of where I was going wrong. I wrote a whole draft post about it and never published it. I even went for a check up at the doctors; I was so emotional, I felt drained and not myself. They did some blood tests and nothing was unusual so I knew that I couldn’t blame any medical reason. One night I had a good chat to my husband about it, I got a lot off my chest. We stayed up late talking and as we chatted I realised I had a lot more going on in my head that I’d been aware of. I felt like I was confessing to him – all the things I knew I wasn’t getting right that no one else saw. Of course he told me not to be so hard on myself and we talked about how the last year or so has brought about a lot of changes.

Our lives were so non-stop at one point; everyday we had to keep on top of everything and it was a constant cycle of bottles, nappies, washing. Even last year we still didn’t really reach that point when we had a lot of time to ourselves, the twins were still quite young, newly walking and causing destruction where ever they went. I was kept so busy I don’t think I ever had the time to stop and think.

As they’ve grown so much has changed and ironically that is the point at which I’ve found it harder – the time when they all needed me a little less. It’s almost like I lost momentum.

I guess it was inevitable that at some point it would get on top of me, I don’t think I’ve really had a big blip since the twins were born! I had to let all that out to be able to move forward and I feel better now that I have in quite a few months. The weather improved and I had more energy and motivation. I started to truly accept Lucas starting school and all the new worries that comes with. I made my peace with the end of naptime for the twins! I remember to talk to my husband if I’ve had a crap day. I try to look after myself as well as everyone else. I feel now like I’m being more present in the day, taking more in, making sure to remember the fun bits!

I’m not sure parenting ever gets any easier, there are just new worries to replace the old ones. I find with Lucas now I am especially aware that we are shaping this little person. With Boo and Bear I need eyes in the back of my head. There is so much fear to go alongside the endless amounts of love. All three of my boys constantly throw new things at me and I know I don’t always get it right but at the end of the day when I look through our photos I can see they are happy. They make me smile, I laugh more because of them. They’ve pushed me harder than anyone and I think they always will; I’ve realised more about myself through being their Mother than I ever have with anything before.

As they grow, their changes sometimes catch me by surprise. It can be a little overwhelming to think that they are mine, that I have three quite grown up looking little boys. Three boys that I will love forever.
As They Grow (1 of 1)

As They Grow (1 of 2)

As They Grow (2 of 2)

 

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11 Comments

  • Notmyyearoff

    I think motherhood is the hardest job ever and being mum to twins plus a young boy is like a double whammy. I think it’s only when we stop we realise exactly how difficult it can be and its so normal to have those feelings. I popped into work the other day to discuss my Hours and read the cv of a new guy joining. I actually thought “wow, he has a life!” Because he had so many hobbies listed. I can’t even think of two things I do for myself anymore (well, one is the blog I guess!!). I know our little ones are totally worth not having a life of our own but I think it’s so easy to run on empty and not have any “us” or “me” time. I hope the huge heart to heart helped lots xx

    May 10, 2016 at 5:28 pm Reply
    • hayleyfromhome

      Thanks Tas, you’re so right! I think I’ve reached the point when I actually have pockets of time to myself and I’m at a bit of a loss what to do with them! All those things you used to do before kids feel like they belong in a different time, don’t you just hate it when you see what people without kids get up to, haha! xx

      May 11, 2016 at 9:43 am Reply
  • Mary @TheHeartyLife

    I loved this post Hayely. SO honest and open, and whilst I am sorry and feel for you at what you have been going through, sometimes these moments, however hard to pass through, do make us better and more aware as parents dont they?? I too at times find motherhood such a challenge, and there are moments and periods where I feel im in a rut or lacking and I get emotional too, not to mention drained and feeling like im doing a naff job of it all. But like you say they bring us so much, the pics show the happy and joyful moments of childhood we have given them, and its good you are so aware of your emotions etc to know somethings wasn’t right and that getting it out gave some clarity.

    I cannot begin to imagine the challenge and intensity of raising twins, but whilst draining you seem to have produced some amazing little guys x

    May 10, 2016 at 7:45 pm Reply
    • hayleyfromhome

      Thank you so much Mary, that is really kind. I was so nervous about writing this and it’s nice to know that other’s feel the same. You can always see the best in other parents before you can see it in yourself, especially in blogging when you’re surrounded by inspirational ladies (like you!) it’s hard to admit that you don’t feel quite right. Thank you for your lovely comment xx

      May 11, 2016 at 9:47 am Reply
  • Georgia Barrow

    Love this Hayley. Honest and profound. I’m sure this post will encourage lots of other Mums – it definitely has encouraged me! PS – what gorgeous boys. xxx

    May 10, 2016 at 8:42 pm Reply
    • hayleyfromhome

      Ah thank you Georgia, I wasn’t sure about publishing it but I’m glad I did – sometimes we don’t have it all together even if we look like we do and that’s ok xxx

      May 11, 2016 at 9:48 am Reply
  • The Reading Residence

    Ah yes, I do understand and can relate. I do think as they get older and the treadmill slows a little it can be really hard – that’s when I started studying again, so my time remains filled and I continue to feel purposeful. Not for everyone, but that’s what I needed! I only said to my husband the other day that when I finish this I’ll probably need to do a Masters and then what?! i think being at home it’s so easy to fall into the same things every day trap and to stop really enjoying the children. I’m aware I get like this, so have to make an effort to pull me back to it and remain present to really focus on them. Hope you’re feeling a bit steadier now, and I guess I’d just say know that it’s normal and OK. I go through this anyway, so it’s my normal x

    May 11, 2016 at 11:30 am Reply
    • hayleyfromhome

      Thanks Jocelyn, it’s good to hear that others go through it! It’s weird isn’t it, getting a bit of time back to yourself and wondering what to do with it. You’re studying sounds like a great way to use your time and I think it’s amazing that you are doing that. I think I need to start thinking about focussing on something like that for the future! xx

      May 11, 2016 at 8:58 pm Reply
  • Rachel @ The Ordinary Lovely

    I think we all reach this point, Hayley. You’re not alone and you’re not a terrible mother for feeling that way. I put it down to the fact that much like when you go on holiday and slow down, you sometimes get ill, when your children don’t need you as much, your body and brain almost shut down because they haven’t had a chance to do since the children were born. One of my biggest battles is not being able to do what I want, when I want and always having to wait until the boys are in bed. It’s hard when you can never put yourself first or take a break. But we have each other to talk to as well, if you ever need to. We get through these days out of sheer love and with the knowledge that there’s gin waiting for us at the end and a good gossip xxx

    May 11, 2016 at 3:31 pm Reply
    • hayleyfromhome

      Thank you Rachel, you’re right of course, it always feels like parenting is still such a learning curve and sometimes my head has to catch up with how quickly things move along! A gin and a gossip, I need to do that more even if just via internet 🙂 xxx

      May 11, 2016 at 9:04 pm Reply
  • Esther @ Inside Out & About

    Loved reading this Hayley and I can so relate to this…although I can’t imagine having twins!!! I think I can have very high expectations of myself and such strong opinions of what I should be doing…which most of the time I’m thankful for because they keep me motivated and focussed…and make me happy. They used to get on top of me, but now I don’t worry about having a lazy day here and there, or feeling less motivated now and then. I love what you said about Lucas – being hyper aware that you are shaping a person. Every time I look at Winston at the moment I get overwhelmed with how I feel about shaping him. It is such a huge responsibility isn’t it? and I love when you said that new worries replace old ones – again this is so current with Winston. I have learnt more about life and myself in the last 4 years than I have in the other 24! It’s such an incredible journey xx

    May 23, 2016 at 8:40 pm Reply
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