A couple of months ago I had a bit of a crisis of faith as a mum. I’m not sure what happened to be honest, I think maybe it was a mixture of bad weather making me feel a bit uninspired and our never-changing days that got the better of me. I felt like I was becoming lazy in the day, not doing as much with the boys as I used to and not feeling any motivation to get up and change that. I could never say that it has been the easiest thing in the world to stay at home with the boys but it was always something that made me happy and somewhere along the way I had lost that. Even the thought of another 18 months before the twins started nursery was making me feel a little anxious. For the first time ever I started to wonder if I could really do this for another year and a half. Every day was the same; the same walk to school, same routine with the twins at home, same playgroups. I found the days harder than I ever had.
I had never felt like this before, I never doubted being a stay at home mum and always felt like it was the right thing for me. I felt guilty and unsure of where I was going wrong. I wrote a whole draft post about it and never published it. I even went for a check up at the doctors; I was so emotional, I felt drained and not myself. They did some blood tests and nothing was unusual so I knew that I couldn’t blame any medical reason. One night I had a good chat to my husband about it, I got a lot off my chest. We stayed up late talking and as we chatted I realised I had a lot more going on in my head that I’d been aware of. I felt like I was confessing to him – all the things I knew I wasn’t getting right that no one else saw. Of course he told me not to be so hard on myself and we talked about how the last year or so has brought about a lot of changes.
Our lives were so non-stop at one point; everyday we had to keep on top of everything and it was a constant cycle of bottles, nappies, washing. Even last year we still didn’t really reach that point when we had a lot of time to ourselves, the twins were still quite young, newly walking and causing destruction where ever they went. I was kept so busy I don’t think I ever had the time to stop and think.
As they’ve grown so much has changed and ironically that is the point at which I’ve found it harder – the time when they all needed me a little less. It’s almost like I lost momentum.
I guess it was inevitable that at some point it would get on top of me, I don’t think I’ve really had a big blip since the twins were born! I had to let all that out to be able to move forward and I feel better now that I have in quite a few months. The weather improved and I had more energy and motivation. I started to truly accept Lucas starting school and all the new worries that comes with. I made my peace with the end of naptime for the twins! I remember to talk to my husband if I’ve had a crap day. I try to look after myself as well as everyone else. I feel now like I’m being more present in the day, taking more in, making sure to remember the fun bits!
I’m not sure parenting ever gets any easier, there are just new worries to replace the old ones. I find with Lucas now I am especially aware that we are shaping this little person. With Boo and Bear I need eyes in the back of my head. There is so much fear to go alongside the endless amounts of love. All three of my boys constantly throw new things at me and I know I don’t always get it right but at the end of the day when I look through our photos I can see they are happy. They make me smile, I laugh more because of them. They’ve pushed me harder than anyone and I think they always will; I’ve realised more about myself through being their Mother than I ever have with anything before.
As they grow, their changes sometimes catch me by surprise. It can be a little overwhelming to think that they are mine, that I have three quite grown up looking little boys. Three boys that I will love forever.