It suddenly seems that those baby moments are starting to pass us by and I honestly didn’t expect to feel as sad as I do. I don’t think there will be anymore children added to our family, my heart says yes but I know practically we just couldn’t do it! Last week I started to sort through the small baby clothes to be passed on or sent to a charity shop and this extra little pile of clothes started to appear that I didn’t want to part with. Silly, but they held memories and I could remember either the twins or Lucas in them. I could remember the first time they were in them, who bought the outfit for them or if they wore it on a special occasion. All these details burnt into my memory like photographs. I just couldn’t bear to pass them on, not quite yet. I’ll have to go through them again when I’m not being quite as sentimental but I never expected to feel like this. I always thought it would be a relief when we could have a big of clear out, make a bit of space; we held onto everything from Lucas knowing we would like more children but now I have to let it go it’s more difficult than I imagined.
This week we’ve dropped the late feed too; we usually get them up before we go to bed for that last feed to see them through the night. However, they are taking enough in the day and we were having to wake them for the feed so I decided to let them sleep. I felt bereft as I went to bed without seeing them. It is one of my favourite moments with the boys when we go into them and get sleepy cuddles before bringing them into our bedroom for a feed. They are so sleepy, warm and cuddly, silently grinning as they hear our voices even while their eyes are still closed. I was half hoping they would wake up but no they slept right through till their usual time. It kind of tugs at my emotions, feeling genuinely upset knowing that these moments are behind is but knowing that that is what babies do, they grow up and they become little people with their own characters.
I love seeing each stage and how they change and grow but with Lucas it always seemed like I was waiting, desperate for that next development and the fun that came with it. Each stage was eagerly looked out for and celebrated but now I’m not quite as eager for them to hurry up. Brandon will roll a couple of times to reach for things and Arthur is close to sitting up; it’s amazing to see them doing something new but also sad that those baby moments are behind us forever.
When I was sat in bed last night, wishing I was cuddling the boys my husband reminded me of everything we have to look forward to. He looks forward to the twins being older because he has so much fun with Lucas. They have a blast whether it’s wrestling, building or just a good old fashioned imaginary game and it cheered me up thinking of the four of them all playing together.
I sometimes catch my breath when I see all three of my boys and think how did I get here; three years ago it was just us two and now we have the most incredible and unexpected family. It’s hard to describe how I feel when I see my boys together; I am so proud that they are mine. It is special to see Lucas, Arthur and Brandon growing up together. I wouldn’t change it for anything and I will enjoy every new stage but it all passes so quickly it makes me want to cherish those baby moments even more.