Even after five years of parenting I still find myself shocked and how many emotions I can get through in a day. Since September things seem to have been non stop. The twins are at a tough age and I’m trying not to let it phase me too much but it does mean our days are full of ups and downs. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting it right and I feel on top of everything and even within the space of an hour that couldn’t be further from the truth and all I want to do is hide away in the kitchen with a cup of tea.
All day I have two little boys trying to assert their independence. They squabble one minute then are hugging each other the next. They’ve always been much more laid back than Lucas and I think I’d relaxed into that as they’ve never thrown the same challenges at me. Now, as they turn three next month, I’m starting to see the behaviour change and shift. There must be some big developmental leap that year, I remember how totally irrational Lucas could be at that age and now I have two toddlers bouncing that irrationality off each other. The beauty of the second child (or children) is that I do know we will come out the other side! I remember feeling like I’d got something horribly wrong with Lucas when he was three, his attitude was crazy but now it’s like it never even happened.
I still have moments where I wish I could do better, every night before I go to bed I walk past the boys rooms and peek my head in to check on them. I love that time of night when the house has been quiet for a few hours, I’ve had time to think – I look in on them when they look peaceful, so cosy in their beds. Somedays I look at them and think, ‘tomorrow I’ll do better’, a little promise to myself. We can’t always be expected to be the perfect Mum, I know that, but sometimes it feels like I’m just doing enough to get by. I’ve always been much happier to get outdoors with the kids as I’m not great at crafts and painting with them so when it’s winter I struggle a bit more for inspiration. When we are stuck indoors I feel like the television is on too much and sometimes I end the day thinking I could have done more, been a fun Mum instead of being too focused on jobs that I want to get done.
It still amazes me how these feelings come and go all the time as a parent. The highs are always so incredible and I love those moments when everything falls into place. There is no better feeling than that, when you can truly think you’ve smashed it. And then when you think you’ve got your head around it, something else comes along to challenge everything you thought you knew. The ups and downs are always there but they aren’t as extreme as they would have been a year ago. I know now that when things are going smoothly to just take it all in and enjoy it. I realise that most of the time I share the nicer side of parenting on here – I find it easier to write about the fun stuff we’re doing and the happy memories we make. I enjoy having them here to look back on and honestly if I’m having a tough day, week or even month I never want to write about it in the moment. It’s only when I feel a bit more on top of everything that I feel ready to share. It’s as if I need to get it sorted in my own head first before I let it all out.
So when the tough moments come I’m trying to remember that I have two nearly three year olds running around all day – two little people who are trying to carve out their place in this world. They are seeing what they can do, they are learning at an astonishing rate, they both express themselves so well and yet there is so much left for them to figure out. What starts off as a bad day doesn’t have to end that way and no matter what, I have never ended a day without these boys making me smile at some point. They’re incredible little boys, so sparky and attentive, full of mischief and wonder. They’re ready to take on the world and for all the tough times, I wouldn’t ever want that to change.