Change

 

In the last three years a lot has changed; I married my childhood sweetheart and we had our first son. We moved back to our home town (something I never thought we would do), bought our first house, my husband changed jobs and I gave up my work.  This last year though things had settled down; it has been over twelve months since I gave up work to become a stay at home mum and me and Lucas have our own little routine. We have been happy in each others company and I’ve loved spending my days with him. Me and my husband had decided early this year that the time was right for us to try for another baby. I had always known that I wanted more than one child and I wanted Lucas and his brother or sister to be close in age.

I had been prepared for all the change that would come with this but felt like we were ready for it then suddenly everything was different when we had the scan in July that confirmed that we would be expecting twins. Initially I was thrilled, after all it was lovely to think of adding twins to our family. Then I had a few days of panic with the obvious worries about money, space in our home, how we would cope. In the end going through a difficult few months, when they thought the babies shared an amniotic sac and they weren’t sure how successful the pregnancy and birth was going to be, shoved all those worries to one side. When we found out that our babies were identical but safely in separate sacs I cried with relief. The risks were minimal now and I knew the chances of me carrying them full term were good.

Since then we have been very laid back about the massive changes ahead…until now. I have hit the last few weeks of my pregnancy and my carefree attitude has changed. I know it will be hard work with twins and I’m sure nothing will prepare me for the struggles of the first few months but mostly I am concerned for the change in Lucas’ world. He is such a happy, sociable boy but I have noticed the last few months have changed him. He can gets frustrated easily and shouts and cries at us and I can see he is fed up when I tell him I need to rest and I can’t pick him up. He pushes the limits more, particularly with me, almost as if he knows I haven’t got the energy to chase after him. We used to walk nearly everyday but I can’t remember the last time we went to the park or the library so I try and do things in the house but it’s no substitute for that fresh air. All of this makes me feel so guilty; these last weeks when I should just be enjoying being with him I find myself losing my temper and snapping more. And yet, he isn’t doing anything that another two year old hasn’t done before him; I know that and still the worry of how he will be when the babies arrive plays on mind.

I don’t know why it has hit me so hard now. In a couple of weeks he won’t be my only little boy and he won’t be the baby. I don’t know if we will have time for our lazy mornings and stories in bed, for cuddles while watching Postman Pat or even for me to sit at the table and eat lunch with him. I worry our relationship will change because I won’t get the quality time with him and that I won’t always be the best Mummy I can be because I’ll be tired. Things will change and that is part of life, part of us becoming a bigger family but my affection, wonder and love for my first boy grows all the time; I never want that to change.

Photo 12

 

 

5 Comments

  1. Hey lovely, I just wanted to say that while I have no idea how exhausting it must be carrying twins, I do know that Mads was similar towards the end of my pregnancy as I got tired, or told her she couldn’t climb all over my tummy etc. I remember being really scared that it was going to be such hard with two, and I couldn’t imagine it. It turns out that it was easier to have them both here than be pregnant, and more than one person told me that. I used to worry about how I would cope when I was so knackered with just one.
    I think your hormones are so crazy when you are pregnant, plus you are just ridiculously tired and emotional, and actually once you have had them, you will settle into a routine and Lucas will get more one on one attention with you, and perhaps even more quality time with you or your hubby because you treasure the time even more.
    It will be hard work with twins I am sure, but I promise you, you will find a way to make it work. Even if your hubby takes them out for half an hour in the pushchair so you can read to Lucas or play a game, or even snuggle in bed and watch the iPad or something, you will make it work and you will all settle into a routine. And I promise you, for all the hard work and days where you think ‘my god this is hard’ when you see your three boys playing together, or interacting, it will all be a million percent worth it. That’s the best thing about being a Mum to two- the fact that I know I have given both of them the gift of a sibling- that is so special.
    I am so excited for you and cannot wait to see the news that you have had your two little boys! Not long to go. x

    • Thanks so much Katie, that is really lovely to hear. I think I had freaked myself out a little bit as I spoke to a twin mum who wasn’t very positive and like you said with my crazy pregnancy hormones it’s very easy to panic, I’d been doing so well too! It’s helped to write about it and hear about all the best bits of siblings. I’m looking forward to making that quality time with him extra special and feeling ‘back to normal’ so I can play with him. I do find it hard to imagine how it will be but at the same time so excited to meet my boys xx

  2. Katy

    Twins or not Hayley, I bet that’s how every mum (again) to be feels when they are due. In a way, you have to let yourself grieve the loss of that special one to one time. But Lucas won’t let you forget it, as that bond is there forever now. It will take you all a while to adjust, including the new babies. I can understand exactly how you’re feeling, without having been through it myself, as you write so well x

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